So I’ve been up for about 24 hours. No, not for a bad reason. It’s a good one. I had the urge to write. And then I wrote. *See me popping open a huge bottle of sparkling cider to celebrate that event*
Because it’s a huge milestone for me. Yay me!
Why? Argh, where do I begin. At the beginning. Yeah, I’ll start there. Okay, so some folks may be aware that my book production schedule hit a serious snafu over the past year and some change. It wasn’t a deliberate snafu–life didn’t totally totally suck me down the drain and leave me bitter, twisted and standing on the side of the road with my thumb sticking out. Actually what ended up happening was a bit more convoluted than that–which, btw, is an understatement.
So what happened?
The best way I can sum up the writing angst is as writers block. But not the kind of writers block that most people think of when they hear that term. Mine was more insidious than that. It was deep and tangled in my past and required lots and lots of therapy and journaling and soul searching and pushing to move myself through it. I swear one day I’ll have to write a book about it and the steps I took to move myself through it. But not today.
My block wasn’t creative. Good gracious me oh my, it was anything but that. Because I’ve come up with some of the coolest story lines I have ever come up with during this struggle to write period. What was going on with me was that every time I sat down at the computer to write a scene I froze. Like stage fright. And when I pushed myself to write through the scene… I emasculated heroes and they ended up coming out sounding like a technical treatise on romance, love, and blah-blah-blah. Oh how inspiring and enjoyable. Not.
In a nut shell. It was hell. Pure hell.
I couldn’t get my characters and my fingers on the same page to write dialogue. I suffered through no dreams of my stories. Worse than that–I had no visuals of the scenes when I sat down to write. But if I got up and left the computer or talked to a friend about the stories… it was there. The passion for the characters and the characters’ voices… they were there. Just out finger reach.
Day in and day out I spent hours pushing myself to find the source of this angst. Why was this happening? What was I afraid of? Where did I go wrong with the story? What happened to my voice? I talked to friends. Professionals. Heck I even had a past life regression to try and find the root cause of this issue. (That, btw, was a very fun experience. Nothing says fun in the medieval times like a lady Elijana of the manor throwing a party for her peeps during the tournaments–ohmi, gotta love me some medieval warriors and their idea of courtly love and romance thwarted by a strong willed, fiesty heroine who demands no less than honor, duty, and totally random hopeless romantic gestures–moohahahaha, evil is thy name!)
Did I work through the issues? Yeah, I’m through the vast majority of them. The worst of the bunch was facing a fear of failure–wow, getting past that one deserves a whole blog post just for itself. (but again, not today 😉 Am I feeling better? Yes, I most definitely am. Am I back on my game 100%? I’m getting there. Every day I get closer and closer to it. I won’t say I’m back on my game until I get Lucien’s book complete. Which the new version is very, very close to being done. So close that I can hear the dialogue in the climactic scene. And I like it–I like it a LOT. The dialogue in the final scenes.
So to everyone who has patiently waited for me to get my act together, thank you. You may have commented on the blog, or emailed me, or just thought the thought… I really do thank you, because it’s been your warmth and kindness that has helped me through the dark days when I faced the beast within that screamed for me to quit writing all together. If it weren’t for your presence in my life, I don’t know–okay, what am I talking about? I’m an Aries. A stubborn, determined Aries who wouldn’t give up the hill if the hill were whittled down to a stump in a sand pit. It’s the principle of the thing and my nature. But regardless, I want each and every one of you to know that I am forever grateful to your presence in my life–be it known or unknown. It’s your good intentions and thoughts that have had my back during the dark times.
So to you–my dear, dear readers and friends–I say thank you and send many blessings and warm thoughts to you during this holiday time. May each and and every one of you have a blessed, safe, and spectacular New Year!!!
Until next time–when I’ve hopefully been able to snag a few hours of sleep and finished Lucien’s book–take care and happy reading!